The symbol of America's individualism is... Persian.

He's Persian.

He's the same age as me.

He went to the UW and was in the same department my dad graduated from.

Must. Activate. Persian. Network. Stat. lol

Now You Know Why

I’m sorry for the long hiatus, dear readers. I have no excuse except to say that I was going through the oldest ill of humankind: heartbreak. But I think I’ve emerged from the tunnel now and am fully re-focused on getting to Iran. I saw my dad a few weeks ago and he said he had visited the Interests Section of the Islamic Republic in D.C. when he was on a work trip there, and he inquired about the status of my papers that have seemingly disappeared into the ether. He has also sent distant cousins to check the offices in Tehran. He seemed optimistic and said I should have my papers within a month. I am more doubtful than that.

In other news, I recently randomly decided to get a DNA test. I swabbed the inside of my cheeks and sent it off to the lab. Strangely enough, the results reveal that Iran shows up as #8 in the list of countries that match my DNA. What?! For as far as anyone can remember on both sides of my family, we've always been from Iran. That's the great thing about DNA, I guess: that you can go way far back, to before people can remember. 

So what what was the #1 country that my DNA matched? Get this: Kuwait. Well, it makes sense. Kuwait is just across the Persian Gulf. Either some Kuwaitis came to Iran and banged my ancestors, or my Iranian ancestors went to Kuwait and became sexually popular. It's still weird either way. Oh, and this is weird too: I share a significant amount of DNA with modern-day people in... Spain. Again, this makes sense because, as we know, people from the Middle East conquered Spain back in the 700s. Also, Columbus (who was a Spaniard) first landed in modern-day Puerto Rico when he "discovered" America. Which is why, yes... I also share DNA with Puerto Ricans. I've been told I look Puerto Rican and Spanish before. As bizarre as it is, now I know why.

Look At Those Thick-Ass Legs!

On this week's Shah's of Sunset...

MJ goes on a "blind" date, in which her great friend Sammy sets her up with an old ex. Way to go Sams! MJ's date, Navin, is really into her and wants to make it up. So he pins her to an armchair and professes his love.

He whispers sweet nothings.

And he reveals his sensitive side.

My girl MJ does what any self-respecting thick-assed leggy woman would do.

She picks up those gold spike-heels and RUNS.

Persian Style

Before I re-cap Sunday's episode of "Shah's of Sunset," I have to take a moment and ruminate on one of Asa's recent interview outfits:

What's up with the turban, girl? And that awful thing around your neck? If you're trying to tap your inner Persian--please!--for the love of all things good, veil yourself. This heinous outfit makes Asa look like she's peddling $5 fortune readings. To those who know nothing about traditional Persian dress: Please ignore this. Also, we do not have flying carpets. 

But at least Asa stuck with her original schnoz. We can't say as much about GG, the resident Mean Girl. It's clear from her "before" and "after" pics, that she underwent the routine Persian Nose Job (pretty much standard for all Persian chicks--no, I never got one).

GG: Before

Sweet girl with peach fuzz.

So she's a little busted, but aren't we all?

GG: After


The Wrath of "GG" and her modified nose, post-laser-hair-removal.

Bad Muslim

I didn't get a chance to watch Shah's of Sunset last night... but never fear! It's queued up to watch tonight and I will be back here tomorrow to let you know what I think.

What was I doing instead of watching my beloved trashy TV shows? I WAS EATING MATZAH LIKE THE BAD MUSLIM THAT I AM. Yes, that's right, I attended my first Passover. My Jewish boyfriend's parents invited me to join them. It was actually really nice. We had dinner with his family Friday night, and then an even bigger meal on Passover Saturday, and then we had a brunch on Sunday. Needless to say, my digestive tract will never be the same because--unbeknownst to me--matzah causes severe constipation. Forget about the 40 years of hunger it took for the Jews to escape Egypt, I'm thinking of 40 years of constipation. Those poor Jews! That is some serious remembrance I can get behind.

It was the numerous courses of food that did me in though. I kept thinking dinner was over, but then another course would come out. I haven't been in the dark about a tradition since the first bewildering time I was invited to a friend's house for dinner and they said grace. First, candles were lit, Hebrew words were said (that I remembered from my old best friend's batmitzvah!), then there was some stuff about goading M's 4-year old niece to hide a piece of matzah. We sat around and broke pieces of matzah and buttered them and ate them with chopped liver. Then there was salad. Then there was matzah ball soup. I thought dinner was done at this point, but I was informed that now dinner was only about to be served. There was brisket, chicken, and twice-cooked potatoes. Afterwards, we sat around and ate jelly rings and other kosher desserts. But, by far, my favorite part was when M's mom busted out a bowl of chopped bacon for our salad. Yes, they're my kind of Jews.

Saturday seder was the same meal but bigger and with more family members and nicer cutlery, and we actually went around the table and read the story of Passover from little booklets. Instead of dipping our finger in cups of wine after reading about each plague, we dipped our finger in diet coke (see what I mean? my kind of Jews!). On Sunday, brunch was matzoh "brie" (not the cheese), which was like french toast with matzah instead. It was all delicious.

Passover reminds me a lot of Ramadan. The meaning behind Passover is really very beautiful--it's about remembering that slavery and persecution should never be tolerated in any form for anybody. The Abrahamic religions are all really so similar in their core beliefs. It's a shame that politics have sullied the central messages and pitted us against each other. Really, the way my mom sneaks bacon into our meals and M's mom sneaks bacon into theirs should bond us together. Or maybe that just makes us bad Muslims and Jews. Haram! Every Persian Muslim should fall for a Jew. The pre-nups would be out of this world!

Telling time

The other day, my dad told me that if I end up marrying a Jew, I'll probably never be allowed into Iran again. I laughed it off. After all, the Islamic Republic has pretty much taken away my Iranian passport with no news of giving it back to me anyway--it's been almost a year since I applied!! What do I DO in this situation?!?!?! All I want is to go back to Iran one last freaking time!!!

In the meantime, I have "Shah's of Sunset" to entertain me... They wheel & deal as real estate agents! They get colonics! Their Persian parents have dinner with them! They get mad at each other for showing up late to their parties! The men are male sluts until they decide to "settle down" with nice Persian chicks. They have champagne-drinking parties! They think they're pop stars! Check this out:

MJ is wearing a watch made by The Persian Jeweler I dated a while back!! LOL! So, here's a fun fact: I recently tried SELLING the diamond watch The Jeweler gifted me. I posted on ebay for seven days for less than half of what it was worth and... not even a single bid. #FAIL Apparently, nobody wants a ten-pound watch with a map of the world emblazoned in diamonds on its face. I wonder why?

Looks like I may have this gaudy unwearable diamond watch for eternity. That's how you know that only a Persian could have designed it. 

"Shah's of Sunset's" MJ is a HOT MESS (a.k.a. We Love Her)

Did you honestly think I had forgotten to update you on "Shah's of Sunset"?! We're only two episodes in but, so far, my favorite character is MJ--officially the Hot Mess of this gem of a reality TV show.