Enter: Monkey Wrench

Last year it was the Russian Embassy and this year it's the utterly vague and totally-confusing-to-locate-even-with-today's-Googling "Embassy of Pakistan--Interests Section of the Islamic Republic of Iran." I have to apparently work through the Pakistani embassy since the Iranian embassy is no longer allowed in the U.S. Oh yeah, and yes: I am a moron. My Iranian passport is totally expired. I am such a dunce. All this time, I've been sitting on my ass, waiting for this thing or that thing to come through (getting in contact with my father's uncle's family, figuring out when I could stay at my mom's sister's house based on her husband's chemo schedule, then waiting for The Company to tell me when I was required to go to London for work). I thought I had it ALL figured out when, today, my boss finally told me the date they need me in London. Now, FINALLY, all the pieces were in place! I could purchase my tickets! I figured I'd extend the ticket to London and fly to Iran roundtrip from there so that way I save half the cost (plus, way more airlines fly to Tehran from London which hasn't totally cut ties with Iran like the U.S.). All that time, I just assumed my Iranian passport was up to date. Why would I assume such a silly thing when the last time I went to Iran was six years ago?! I am SUCH A MORON. It expired in 2008. (By the way, even though I was born in Seattle and I am an American citizen, I still get an Iranian passport because my father was born in Iran--so whenever I travel there, I use my U.S. passport to the layover country, and I use my Iranian passport to get into the country.)

So now begins another wild foreign travel odyssey. Not. Again.


Besides the fact that there is no Iranian Embassy in the U.S. and Pakistan's "Interests Section of the Islamic Republic of Iran" website looks like it was built and organized in 1989, the fucking passport renewal form is IN FARSI! I have no CLUE how to fill it out! I called my dad and begged for help, but he's still kind of not speaking to me since I told him I was going to Iran. So my mom is in Seattle right now filling this stupid form out for me and she doesn't even have a scanner or know how to use one so she's at effing KINKO'S paying people to scan this stupid document to email to me. For my "profession," we are saying I am a "teacher" because saying I am a "Corporate Communications Director" could make them think I'm a spy. Likewise with my MFA degree in "writing" which could be construed as suspicious--we're exaggerating and listing me as studying "English literature," lest they think I have any ability to communicate about my experience there. Tomorrow, I have to go take two passport pictures, but not just any passport picture. Oh no. I have to VEIL myself for these pictures (which, by the way, makes absolutely no sense if these pictures are meant to identify individuals). Best part is that I have to produce some kind of certificate proving my father was born in Iran, and nobody has any clue where that paperwork is. OH! Then, I have to even wonder if they'll GET me the renewed passport back in time for when I leave for London May 17th. The Embassy of Pakistan is in D.C. HAVE I MENTIONED I AM A MORON?!?! I've been waiting and planning this for MONTHS and I forgot the most SIMPLE thing!? And I am NOT an inexperienced traveler by any means, so there is no excuse.

Oh boy... travel season begins (or else is swiftly thwarted)... Am I EVER going to get to Iran to figure out where my paternal grandmother is buried before everyone who knew her is dead??? "Maybe I'm just not meant to go..." I told my mother over the phone while she filled out the passport renewal form. "Let's take this one step at a time," my mom said. "Let's figure out if you're not 'meant to go' or if we're just being lazy." This is why I love my mom. I don't know what I would do without her. Seriously, sometimes I sit around and worry about WHAT I'd do without her. Sometimes I selfishly hope I'll die before she does. All this visiting-the-dead business has really got me down and in a bad mindset. Excuse me while I go distract myself with something hopefully very mindless...