I often wonder why divorce would be such a horrific crime that it would warrant murdering one's own sister. What is so wrong with divorce?!? You could be killed by your own brother for wanting a divorce two generations ago but, today, the rate of divorce in Iran triples every year. Apparently, conservatives are viewing this trend as a "national threat" on par with prostitution. Last year, the government officially changed "Marriage Day" to "No Divorce Day"--a day where no divorces would be granted. Hilarious!
My own parents hate each other and I grew up with their fighting constantly. Every time my mom would threaten divorce, extended family would swoop down to advise my parents that a divorce would be detrimental to their kids--me and my brother. I can't say that I'd be "happy" if my parents ever got divorced, but I do know that it makes me sad to see them so unhappy. I guess divorce is a national "crises" in Iran for the same reason Christian fundamentalists in America think U.S. divorce statistics are the end of the world as we know it: because it really is the end of the world as we know it. A horrible thing? There's this thought that, if divorce increases, people will be less likely to view marriage with the gravity of a life-commitment, that marriage won't mean as much. I can understand that concern, but what do you expect when the whole reason for getting married doesn't really "mean" that much either?
In the old days in Iran, people got married not out of love, but because your two families agreed you should get married. This is how my great grandmother was married at nine years old, and how my maternal grandmother was married at fifteen. (I don't know anything about my paternal grandmother.) Now, the trend is that people get married to the person they "love"--whatever that means. In a globalized world, I'm not sure I know what "love" is, and I'm not so sure that anybody else does either, which is why I think that we're not sure what marriage is either, why the definition keeps changing. Another fucking plane ticket and gift registry investment and you know they'll be divorced in five years anyway! But I'm not one to really expound on this subject--I am a serial dater who typically plays out her subjects within 3-4 months.
I've always been a commitment-phobe, even though I famously accuse others of the affliction in order to avoid the truth about myself. I think it first came to me when I was seven years old and I attended my first memorable American wedding. It was at a church on University Avenue in Seattle and I was one of the flower girls who walked down the aisle right before the bride. It was right after this wedding that I began wondering what a wedding might look like for me some day: Would I get to walk down an aisle like this American wedding? Would I get to say "I do"? Or would I have to do it the Iranian way, where there is no aisle and you just sit on a bench in front of a symbolic spread and you sign a contract while women whoop and grind sugar over your head? Seriously! This concerned me when I was growing up, caused me anxiety! It's been easier to not imagine a wedding, to forever avoid the confusing possibility.
I attended a wedding in the 90's in Iran when I was a teenager. Persian weddings are notoriously overblown, expensive affairs (although I guess L.A. Persians are trying to temper it down). To have a proper wedding in the Islamic Republic of Iran, you have to have tons of cash to bribe the morality police. If you don't--which, in the case of this particular wedding, the bride and groom did not--then you have a wedding by the regime's standards. We wore our coats and headscarves the entire time, unable to show off any pretty clothing. We entered the banquet hall through two different doorways, one for the women and one for the men. The men and women were divided in half by a makeshift wall. There was no dancing allowed, and no music, no alcohol. At one point, after the dinner, some of the older women started singing and clapping their hands and pounding the table. The men on the other side of the wall joined in and suddenly, there was DIY entertainment (that was naturally quashed by the police after 15 elated minutes). And, strangely, out of all the over-the-top Persian weddings I’ve attended, this is the only one I can clearly remember.
But back to my question: What makes divorce so awful, such a social taboo? Growing up in America where all my friends’ parents were divorced, it’s hard to even be in a mindset to imagine a world without divorce. Love ends sometimes. But, for my uncle, I guess—rather than accept that truth—it was easier to kill his sister; for me, it’s easier to avoid commitment. We share a fear of Ends and a few strands of DNA, but are still somehow unrecognizable to each other.
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